Thursday, July 7, 2016
The worst job I have ever had is to be the executor of my father's estate. Each time I contact the bank or an institution, I am transferred to Survivor Services, in which they begin the conversation with, "I am so sorry for your loss." This is were I break down and cry. You know the ugly cry where your whole body shakes and snot drips from your nose? I cry so hard that I cannot speak the words, "Thank you". Each time, it is a reminder that my father is not here with me any more.
I am taking it slow. Each day I give myself one task to do for my father. Some days it is too difficult that I skip the next day or even the rest of the week. I am lucky that my mister does not complain about me being sad or staying in my pajamas until noon.
Each day I discover a new tragedy to add to the grief of loosing my father. The latest is the my father's wife (not my mother) emptied all his bank accounts and took off with all his money. Yup, you guessed it, this is a real life version of American Greed. I am in total shock that someone could be that greedy, that someone would actually marry for money, and that someone who was so nice in the beginning had ulterior motives.
However, I took an oath to fulfill my duties as executor to the best of my ability. I have always said that I would honor Dad and do the best I could to fulfill his wishes. With the strength of the good Lord above, this is what I plan to do- stay strong.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Roberto Albert Alaniz turned two months on June 15, 2016. Bobby burps and throws up a after I feed him, which leaves me full of puck most of the time. He is cooing and holding up his head. At last check, he weighs 13 pounds and is 90% of other babies his age.
Bobby is a blessing and my daily reminder of my father Roberto G. Rojas who passed away on June 3, 2016.
You may have noticed that I have not posted much these last few months. It is because I have been taking care of my father since December. His wife left him, I was pregnant, chasing a toddler around, and making sure the two older boys stayed on task. To say the least, my life has been hectic.
This week I finally get to take a break and settle in to my new normal without my father. He was my confidant and best friend. It is hard to believe that I no longer have my mother and my father; and that my children will not know their grandparents. It is hard to be the executor of my father's will when there are hurt feelings with Dad's wife and when I am trying to mourn the loss of my father.
It is times like this that makes me feel like life is not fair.
I have to let go of the stress, let go of the hurt, and move on as best I can. There is something inside me that keeps me strong. When I believe I cannot go on and fight another battle, I see Bobby and he smiles. He is my reminder that it is possible, that anything is possible. I need to let go of the hurt and move on.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Today Bobby is one month old and Nathaniel is 15 months old. I have survived thus far with 5-6 hours of sleep a night, in two hour increments.
I won't lie, there are many days that I a living on fumes. Some how, some way, I get through the day. It is the little things that Nate does like he starts dancing to my phone ring tone or when he gives me a kiss. It maybe Bobby's little sleepy smile that give me my afternoon boost of energy. Whatever it is, I make it.
In all this joy, it is hard to hide the fact that my father is dying of ALS. Unfortunately, I have said this before with my mother; but I must say it again. It is extremely cruel and unfair to watch a loved one wither way and die before your eyes. If cancer is bad, ALS is worse. With ALS, my father is conscious and alert while he looses his strength and the ability to talk. Slowly, he will loose the ability to breath.
In so many ways, life is just not fair. I choose to believe that God gives us these trials to make us stronger and better people; while giving us bundles of joy to get us through the hard times.
I never give up hope.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Growing in pregnancy was difficult for me because I am used to being thin. Bobby kept growing and growing, and my belly seemed to be exploding. While I didn't really love the pregnancy experience, I still captured my belly at week 39 so I could look back and remember how big I was.
Bobby was 8 pounds 11 ounces, much bigger than we all expected him to be. He was born after 13 hours of difficult labor for me due to a nurse in training. The trama to Bobby put him in the NICU for three days and I was sad to be discharged a day early without my baby.
This Friday is more test and to ensure he continuing to gaining weight. We are working on getting his days and nights switched, because he seems to have them confused- and that means many sleepless nights for me.
I have a house full of boys and at times a still a walking zombie. Thank God for my help.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
It is what all parents think. This I know to be true. I have the cutest kid ever.
This week I am 37 weeks pregnant and my one-on-one time with Nathaniel is slowly diminishing. This morning I woke up at 5:30 AM so I could drink my morning coffee, wake up, and be alert for when Nate woke up.
It is harder these days to bend over and walk with him because my baby bump is in the way. It is more challenging to chase him around at the park and even pick him up and carry him all day. My secret is to take a nap when he naps so that I can feel more rested. With sleep, anything is more possible.
I have given up on lunch dates and play dates so I can save my energy for Nate and evening with da boyz. As I get older, or should I say wiser, I am learning my limits and keeping things in perspective with what is important. My friends, if they are truly friends, will understand.
So for now, I must run. My baby is pulling my heart stings. I want to hug and kiss him and give him all my love.
Friday, March 11, 2016
This prayer is being shared on social media and it reminds me to remain calm in the craziness of my life. It is hard to rank the ten items because I have complained about every thing listed. When I look closely, it is the lack of sleep that makes me grumpy and thus I start complaining about everything else.
Nate wakes up with his dad at 5:30 AM. Every night I pray that he would sleep in a bit longer but it never happens. Nate seems to like the extra time with dad and enjoys seeing his big brothers off to school. Often I find myself counting down the minutes until nap time so I can squeeze in a nap myself.
Untimely, I am reminded of the baby I do have, the baby on the way, and the two boys that are growing into smart young men. The boys in the house are health and playful and I remind myself to forget about the to-do-list and have fun.
My house is full of love, though messy at times. I step back and examine all that I am grateful for and I know that there will be a time when I get more sleep and I will have all the time in the world to explore more roads on my bike.
Monday, February 22, 2016
I promised myself that I would only post monthly pictures of Nathaniel up until he was one year only. It seems fitting to post today because he is 13 months old and I am 32 weeks pregnant.
The past two weeks I felt overwhelmed with the thought of having a toddler and a baby in the house; but this week the idea has settled in my heart and I feel more at ease. It may have something to do with me enrolling Nathaniel in a Mother's Day Out program two times a week and having a reliable and dedicated nanny to help me with the three other boys in the house (four other boys if you count da mister).
The new baby idea became more fun as I downloaded the Fiesta app. As the rumor goes, my mother attended the day parade while she was having contractions and only went to the hospital to give birth to me after the parade was over. The thought of having a fiesta baby brings a new level of excitement to the game. My due date is April 18 and Fiesta officially starts on April 14.
My hope is that I have a fiesta baby to always have a fiesta birthday to celebrate along with. One must always know that the city of San Antonio gets together to help celebrate your birthday when it falls during fiesta.